*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Saturday
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen