[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try