[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.