*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
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Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.