*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
“i am a sweet baby”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.