@VaguelyFunnyDan

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

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@SteveKoehler22

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.

@69underachiever

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

@theregoesrichie

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

@OrigamiDad

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

@DVSblast

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

@BlindChow

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.