Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan