(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich


Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids


Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.


Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids


sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life


[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.


*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*


COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan