(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.