*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”

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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.


[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems


*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*



me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening


In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.


Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them


[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.


Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.


when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish


Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.