@PopSlapFunk

*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”

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@Henry_3000

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

@ArrogantBB8

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

@tweetsbyrocket

[hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

@Sickayduh

In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.

@lovemyboots111

Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them

@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@KateWhineHall

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

@sweatyhairy

when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish

@AbbyHasIssues

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.