@ambermruffin

***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***

I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.

***dies***

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@kelkulus

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

@3sunzzz

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

@TheAndrewNadeau

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

@GrantTanaka

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

@maughammom

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

@3sunzzz

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

@TheChrisAngel

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.

On Friday…Canada attacks.

@Greg_1_Leg

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

@SexytotheNorth

*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.