*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT