What if rocks were bread
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***
I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.
On Friday…Canada attacks.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.
*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.
*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.