Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***
I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.
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Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If by “fetching” you mean “looks like I was dragged from the woods by a dog” then yes I look fetching.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.