Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake