Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.


Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one


DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven’t brought any money


love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue


Husband just told me, “watching the federal government deal with COVID-19 is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort’s return,” and damn if that isn’t the best take I’ve heard this month


me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”


Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.


[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer


ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead


If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.