Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.
*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.
*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.
ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin
BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over