@seancehat

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

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@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@Rollinintheseat

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

@PlainTravis

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

@heyitsJudeD

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

@gothtitty

i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@DiamondLou69

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

@SexytotheNorth

*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over