[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“i miss shittin on people”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Well, this explains it:
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.