[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?