[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.