@notacroc

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

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@anerdonfire2

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

@Sickayduh

Are news anchors secretly insulting you? Moron this story at 11.

@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@BoogTweets

Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?