[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet