[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
i would wish you the best but i am the best
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.