I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’ve been told I’m oblivious.
I had not noticed this.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
*Gets mole removed*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”
Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.