@IchBin_Rob

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

You Might Also Like

@Mr_Bum_to_You

I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

@AlexvanBeek

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@Desert_Musings

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

@Roxtalled2

Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”

@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.