[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
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Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”