Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
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Me: Did you hear what I just said?
Me: What did I say?
Him: Did you hear what I just said
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Not having sex till I have kids