@WilliamAder

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

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@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@sweet_pea707

Me: Did you hear what I just said?

Him: Yes

Me: What did I say?

Him: Did you hear what I just said

@Fab_Mommy_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

@cupofdrink

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

@TragicAllyHere

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

@Home_Halfway

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people