I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Childbirth is so beautiful
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My brain is a bad influence on me
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!