@MesutOzilClass

Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂

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@CantWaitToNap

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

@Discourt

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

@sofarrsogud

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

@MommaUnfiltered

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

@Skoogeth

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

@WhatevaConc

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@markydoodoo

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.