My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.