My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly