ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
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Me when my alarm goes off
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Jail
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)