@TheAndrewNadeau

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

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@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@leshnevsky

– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?

@ItsAndyRyan

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

@muyrando

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

@_Water_Baby

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

@PetrickSara

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

@ItsAndyRyan

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.