Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Whisper out to librarians!
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.