[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.


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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.


if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito


I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.



“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.


Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all…So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.


[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.


Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.


Boss:I need you to do something for me…
Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job