My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
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I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
Me: same idea
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn
Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus
Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.