Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all…So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…
“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”
Boss:I need you to do something for me…
Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job