[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
me irl
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.