(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Bike for sale
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense