Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
This line from Airplane.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?