[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If only.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends