doctor: how are you feeling
me: with nerve endings, you should really know this
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?
“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much
Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is
Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?