Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
When you try jalapeños for the first time