@JohnLyonTweets

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

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@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

@jnapsalot

Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?

@NicestHippo

“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

@TheTweetOfGod

Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.

@GoodZiIIa

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is

@theshamingofjay

Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

@GingerHotDish

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?