[new coffee shop]
b: order for Prune!
m: Pru. P-R-U
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
you are not alone. theres bugs
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.