Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!