I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time