Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
And that about sums it up.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.