artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Why is this me 😫
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol