artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Catering service
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks