aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.