“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
You Might Also Like
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Sign at work today
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Best spoiler warning ever
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around