@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

@gavinspeiller

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

@girlontapas

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@hurlarious

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”