I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.
Guess which one you’ll end up with
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”