“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.