@JeremyKCMO

As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.

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@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

@Sickayduh

In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”

@FlyJ_

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

@continentlbkfst

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.