What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Clients after you give them your rates
In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.