Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
How dude HOW?!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.