ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Inside you there are two wolves
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.