As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.

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My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.


4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy


Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich


I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle


I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”


Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?


So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?


Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.


normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.


When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!