As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.