As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
checking out some reviews of my local library
is this a threat
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube