I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Only short people can save us
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.