@McGrumpenstein

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

@capnwatsisname

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

@pleatedjeans

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

@McGrumpenstein

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

@WilliamAder

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

@heyitsJudeD

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@SJKSalisbury

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.