As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Something Saturday.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
This is the one
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?