Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”
“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.