I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.