[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.