As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
figuring out my emotional availability:
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home