as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

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[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in


Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.


The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.


Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.


[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.


10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.


Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.


Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.


I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.