@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

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@generaldietz

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@leshnevsky

– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!

@U_Want_Shum_M8

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

@x_xaima

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

@elle91

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

@KimmyMonte

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last