@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

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@jergarl

[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in

@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.

@kelkulus

The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.

@ChiChiGreenblat

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

@ShesARealGenius

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

@thatUPSdude

10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.

@Jesssicle

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

@_salt_n_lime

Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.

@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.