as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Holy moly