As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time